The Green Forums

Warning: The Green Forums is on standby and may reconstruct entirely soon.
 
HomeGalleryFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
Welcome to The Green Forums! (Est. 3/25/2009)

Share | 
 

 The Battle

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Arlen McCool
Moderator
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 215
Join date : 2009-06-06
Age : 21
Location : WA, USA

Character Information
Health Points:
100/100  (100/100)
Gwams:
20/200  (20/200)
World Power:
20/7000  (20/7000)

PostSubject: The Battle   Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:21 pm

Prologue

A young boy stood in the middle of a clearing, dressed in chain mail and carrying a shield and sword. The boy looked around the dark clearing. The moon was full and the clearing was quiet. Nothing stirred. Then something struck the boy from behind, knocking him to his knees. But the boy was ready. He stood up quickly and turned to face his attacker.


A hulking wolf like thing stood before him. Its fur was matted and dirty, its eyes gleamed red. The beast threw its head up and howled at the moon, and then dropped to all fours and charged at the boy.


The boy dodged quickly, slashing with his sword. The beast aimed a mighty blow, but he blocked it with his shield and aimed another attack, which the wolf quickly dodged. The boy lunged again with his sword, and the boy’s sword plunged into the wolf’s chest. Blood spattered the ground. The beast howled in pain. The boy pulled his sword out and prepared to strike the killing blow. Just then, the beast reared up and hit the boy with a massive paw. The boy fell to the ground, dead. The wolf started biting the boy, tearing him apart, until an arrow with a silver tip whizzed through the air and struck the wolf’s head, killing it instantly.

Two men walked cloaked in black walked into the clearing, one of them carrying a cross bow.


“A shame, isn’t it Demetrious? The boy could have been of so much use.” Said the one with the cross bow.

“It most surely is Xavier. He did not have the mental capacity to handle this power which is both a blessing…and a curse.” Demetrious answered.

_________________
Signing out-
McCool

Back to top Go down
View user profile
NZeroJunior
Moderator
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 105
Join date : 2009-06-05
Age : 25
Location : O-H!

Character Information
Health Points:
0/0  (0/0)
Gwams:
0/0  (0/0)
World Power:
0/0  (0/0)

PostSubject: Re: The Battle   Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:18 pm

A very dramatic start, that's for sure. I liked the suspense at the beginning: going from a calm, quiet scene and then literally struck into battle. Something tells me you have a strong liking of werewolves...Wink

In the battle scene, it seemed really cluttered and it was somewhat difficult to make out what was going on. It's just mostly telling what's going on (The boy lunged, blood splattered, the beast hit the boy) and it's not very engaging to the audience (if your audience is me, that is Smile). But don't worry: your writing will improve as you learn more skills and refine your style of writing.

As for the last little bit at the end, it was nice that you added a bit of humor (at least that's what I picked up) to lighten up the traumatic scene that just happened. Pity on the boy xD. And if I'm not mistaken, I would spell Demetrious' name as Demetrius (We're not naming acids here, if you know what I mean Razz).

Overall, it has quite a bit of potential and I know that over time, it will be much better and that much closer to publishing. What kind of story are you writing and for what reading level? Fantasy? Adventure? Elementary, middle, or high school students? It will make a difference in how you will want to write the story, just so you know: keep your audience in mind. Good luck Smile

_________________
-end transmission-
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Arlen McCool
Moderator
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 215
Join date : 2009-06-06
Age : 21
Location : WA, USA

Character Information
Health Points:
100/100  (100/100)
Gwams:
20/200  (20/200)
World Power:
20/7000  (20/7000)

PostSubject: Re: The Battle   Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:59 pm

Thank you very much NZJ, I appreciate your time and help.


After re-reading it, I definetly see the changes I need to make to the battle scene. You're right, it is alot more of just telling what happened instead of showing. I'll make sure to work on that.


As for having an audience, I never even considered one because this newer prolouge, and the orignal idea, was written as spur of the moment, I-think-I-just-had-an-awesome-idea kinda thing, and I never thought once that I'd ever, or even want to, make this story public, even on the forums. Considering it now, and knowing that I want to maybe one day get it published as a real book, I'd say this is definetly a story for high school kids and or really anybody who like fantasy and adventure, but not tottally sugar coated. I'll make sure to have that in the front of my mind while I"m writing.


And yes, I am a huge fan of werewolves XD I really like the Underworld movies, and loved how they did the werewolves in it. I got my inspiration to write this story from those movies as a matter of fact.


I'm glad you like the idea and I'll be sure to keep everything you said in mind. And now that I have a ton of ideas swirling around in my head, I'm off to write! XD


Thanks again

_________________
Signing out-
McCool

Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: The Battle   

Back to top Go down
 
The Battle
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Classic Album: The Brave - Battle Cries
» Rosie O'donald, Chaka Khan drum battle.
» Saint - In The Battle reissue

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Green Forums :: Other Topics :: Writer's Corner-
Jump to: