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 Elana of Bon Sens

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TheWriter01
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PostSubject: Elana of Bon Sens   Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:05 pm

Ok, I don't mean to be posting storys and not finishing them but Harrison Ridge died and I just could get the chapters to fit right.



I'm now posting a book that is based off the RP in the RP forum.



Characters from the RP will be mentioned but they want be main characters and things won't happen in that exact order.



And now presenting...



A TheWeriter01 production



Elana of Bon Sens
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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Tue Aug 18, 2009 9:09 am

Awesome! This sounds goood. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:20 pm

Chapter 1 is getting close to done.



I'm mainly planning the future plots and other world related info.
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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:45 pm

(This is not the full thing. I'm still writing and resurching.)




Chapter I
Elana

Elana woke up from her dream filled sleep. She dreamed of things that normal thirteen year olds never would have thought about dreaming of. She had visions of Unicorns, Magic, and a giant castle that stood over a never ending ocean. But she knew that it was all from the imagination in her head.

She got up from the lump of ripped blankets that were stuffed with feathers that she used for a bed and walked to the old leaky sink that had a dirty mirror with missing shards of glass above it.

“Today is a new day, Elana.” Elana said to her self in the mirror although, after eight years of saying that every morning, Elana was starting to doubt that she’d ever be adopted.

All Elana remembered in the week before she came to the orphanage was her father’s yells for her to run from the house and escape. She could have remembered more but time is a remedy to most memories.

She started brushing her long, light brown hair. Her light blue eyes and smile shined in the mirror even with all the dirt that covered her face from the chores.

She was almost a modern day Cinderella. Miss Garadina, the orphanage’s “Head Mistress”, spent her time watching T.V. and telling Elana what chores she had to do and giving her punishments when she did something wrong. Elana had to serve Miss Garadina her coffee, wake everyone up, cook the other children in the orphanage their breakfast, wash the breakfast dishes, clean the dining room, repair the floor boards and replace the rusty nails, get the mail, make lunch, wash the lunch dishes, clean the dining room again, clean the bathrooms, re-hang the paintings, fix the leaky roof, cook dinner, wash the diner dishes, clean the dining room for the third time, get all the younger children clean, turn off all the lights, turn on all the night lights, and read the smallest children a bedtime story.

Elana, amazingly, got all the chores done and had time to her self to draw pictures. The pictures were of the visions in her dreams. Her drawings were entirely in pencil with extremely light colors from old painting sets she would occasionally find while cleaning.

The works of Authors couldn’t be found inside the orphanage, except the small children’s stories that had one moral or another. There were no Ghoul Girl books or Archimedes Harm or even simple The Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales. There was an old strange book that Elana had once found on Miss Garadina’s bedside table that was filled with strange symbols and markings on the pages. Miss Garadina scolded her when she found out she had looked at the book.
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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:48 pm

Cool Writer!

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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:58 pm

Ooh, great story so far.

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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:32 am

That's really great Player, I like how you used so much detail. Keep it up I can't wait to see more.
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PostSubject: Re: Elana of Bon Sens   Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:01 pm

It's very nice that you're creating your story based on what happens in the RP. I hope you can catch enough details to make this story go Very Happy

At the beginning, I get what happens, but maybe you could give some more emotion and feeling into what happened in her dream and maybe explain what she was feeling when she awoke from it. As my English teacher tells me, "Show, don't tell." Describe what happens and engage the reader into your thoughts instead of just telling the audience what happens. Like instead of simply saying

"Elana woke from her dream filled sleep. She dreamed of...,"

try:

"After a night filled with (insert visions and dreams), Elana had awoken from her fantasy land to (description of her bedroom), rising to the dawn of the day ahead. Even though she knew it was all a figment of her imagination... (You can finish the rest)"

Do you kinda get what I mean?

Other details later in the chapter like mentioning her father or the chores she had to do in the orphanage don't really seem like they should belong where they are; they look like building blocks, able to be moved around and placed anywhere regardless of what had happened before or what will happen after them. Like the paragraph about her father: from what it looks like, it could be placed anywhere in the story; there isn't an idea that leads up to it nor is there an idea it smoothly flows into. Can you see?

And the part where all of Elana's chores to the Headmistress are mentioned, I got the idea that she's bossed around a lot. No need to go overboard with details and saying a bunch of unnecessary junk Smile.

I'm sure you might be able to see the same problem throughout the chapter: It just sounds too choppy and uninteresting from how it's presented. Remember, this is just me talking from a high school or a college student's perspective, which may not be the same as yours. In time, you'll learn to improve your writing skills: I'm just giving you a taste of that to come Smile

Overall, I like where this might go, but it could really use a decent polishing so that it will be easier for readers to follow along and enjoy the ride. (It that's not a big metaphorical reference, I don't know what is Wink)

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